I stood in the middle of the kitchen this week after back to back glutenings (and yes I was being really f*^king careful), extra tired from being anemic (celiac bonus) and had the realization that unlike many diseases/illness that one can “beat”, I will never be beat/be healed of celiac disease. I will never “get better” and go back to a life of being able to enjoy the generosity of friends whipping up a meal for me. I will never be able to stop thinking “is there gluten in that?” or “did it come into contact with something that came into contact with gluten?” I will always live with the surprise bonuses of what other health issues can arise from living with an autoimmune disease. Standing in this realization along with a lifetime of not knowing why I was sick and three years of knowing, I broke down and cried. Yeah I know, this is a really uplifting blog so far isn’t it? But sit tight my pretties, because you have to go through a shit storm to see a rainbow.
Then a bad word crosses my mind. ….”surrender”.
By definition, surrender means to yield to the power, control or possession of another; to give up into the power of another. In our society surrendering is seen as giving up or losing. Surrender is the anti to our own defense. “I’m not giving up!” “Pussies give up!” Keep going bitch!” are some of the things we hear in our head (at least hear on the little sister side) when we are considering to surrender.
I constantly am fighting trying to be okay with celiac. Doing my due diligence reading all the labels; packaging all my own food for dinner parties and road trips; trying to be all “I may have it but it doesn’t have me” in attitude. But I am so very tired of always fighting.
That is when I realized – It’s what you are surrendering to that matters. What are you giving “your power” over to? With this lightbulb, Buddha and Jesus have to slide over because celiac is going to take the wheel as one of my greatest life teachers.
I take a spelling liberty and decide to “currender” Yeah, yeah I know it is spelt with an “s” but the connotation associated with this word in our mainstream society makes it such a bad word. And the best bad words always start with a “c”, like celiac and … well you know.
So I currender that celiac is a teacher who’s job is to bring me lessons I need to learn. Celiac and I are no longer in a fight. We will be allies in my life’s education. Oh, I have a feeling there will still be some squabbles similar to children fighting over who got more ice cream in their bowl but it won’t escalate. Although I am sure I will still require a time our or two…..okay maybe five as I’m learning.
Find yourself crying in the kitchen or bathroom lately? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Well get ready because here is my 3 step, super duper to the point guide on how to “Currender”
Ask yourself the following questions…
1.How much energy are you throwing at something that is impossible for you to change?
2.What do you find yourself fighting the most in your life right now?
3.What do you want most in your life right now?
Okay, got that? Now Currender to the answer of question #3. Yes, you could have just answered #3 but currender comes with the little task of checking yourself first.
Surrender and its power ultimately lie in giving up control, accepting the situation at hand and exercising trust. F*&k … letting go, acceptance and trust? No wonder this shit is so hard. But remember, you’re not becoming power-less – you are becoming power filled by choosing what you currender to. You can surrender to fear, your ego and scarcity. Or you can currender to love, learning and light.
So you can keep your surrender with it’s negative connotations if you like but I am going to make this my best “bad C word” and work on positively and fully “currendering”
p.s. I know this is really, really hard. As I edit this blog, I have been working on my currendering. And tomorrow I will be too, and the next day. But I’ve already started to feel the tightness lift from my shoulders. I also find that I am more present in now because fear isn’t creating static on the universal channel I’m tuning in to and I can hear much better.
p.p.s. This kind of crap is extremely difficult for me to share. As I hit post on this blog, I will most likely throw up a little in my mouth. But I will hit post anyway because I know there are others out there going through the same emotions whether it be celiac induced or from other life situations. With celiac as a teacher, a lesson I have learned is that if we were suppose to go through shit alone and not share our experiences to help others, we would have been born on a planet with the population count of 1.