Feeling Through the Dark

Think about the last time you woke up in the middle of the night and had to make your way to the bathroom. The hallway is really dark, your eyes are barely open from sleep. You’re moving slow, perhaps like me you stumble a bit. You’re not quite sure exactly where the door is so you put your hands up to feel your way along the wall searching for the opening.

Notice something here? Our human eyes are not made to see it the dark. We feel our way through the dark. When you’re in the dark we don’t see…..we feel…..feel…..

So why is the natural response for so many of us when we are wondering around during a dark time to try to see our way out it instead of feeling our way through until we make it to that opening?

Because it’s scary in the dark, that’s why.

There are periods of mourning and loneliness that accompany being diagnosed and learning to live with celiac disease. Feelings of isolation from not being able to simply pick up the phone and say “hey do you want to grab a bite to eat?” Or stopping by and staying for dinner is an impossibility unless they too are celiac or you’ve pre-packed a meal for yourself. It means that your options become complicated. Passed is the carefree ease. It’s pretty tough on a gal’s desire to join in any reindeer games. It makes it seem like the best option for the future is a tiny apartment my myself with cats, cigarettes the smell of stale bananas and a pile of overdue library books.

But that is what it would “seem” and it’s this seeing that causes us to want to lay down in the fetal position, pop out our eyeballs and hand them over to fear. This is when it is time to stand up, close your eyes and feel your way through the dark.

Celiac disease is the example I use because it is one of my life teachers. We all have our life teachers. We all are going through or have gone through darkness of our own. It’s not that you find yourself in the dark, it’s how you find your way out. And I can tell you, it’s not seeing with your eyes, it’s feeling with your heart.

In the dark moments it is crucial that you keep your eyes shut and your heart open. Yes, it’s is the hardest thing to do but you can do it. By keeping your heart open you experience the emotion in that moment and that is where you will find your way through. Let it guide you, push you, make you do amazingly brave things. Keeping your heart open to feel your way in the dark is the strongest and most courageous action you can take.

From personal experience, it’s why I shut down writing years ago. I kept trying to see a way out of whatever darkness I was in. Writing wouldn’t let me do that. Writing insisted that I feel my way out. This is why I started The Radiant Alchemist. It’s why even now, every single time I post, I throw up in my mouth a little. The feelings that come with it are intense and scary but I do it anyway because I feel it moving me through the dark. It enables me to feel connected to you and hopefully helps you be a little less scared of feeling the way through your dark. Shutting down feelings during the dark times means our light ceases to flow. It also means the light of others doesn’t reach us.

I know, i know this is a tough one. We are taught in our world to be strong, see the solution and to be logical. But I beg of you, please keep your heart open to guide you in feeling your way through. Because the bottom line is when our hearts are closed, it is impossible to follow them.


Big Sister


ps. Here is my follow up “Reflections from the Red Couch” video to help you identify some things that may help you feel your way through the dark.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEpVdlDG1fEScreen Shot 2016-03-01 at 9.05.20 AM


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